Friendly Behavior

{via}

I am, by no means, the most amazing friend on this planet.
I am, or so I believe, trustworthy, honest, loving, and non-judgmental.
I have the qualities of a great friend, right?
Now, I have friends, a lot, really, and I love them, b/c they are special, and I know there is no way I could ever replace them.
Nor would I want to.
I have flaws, oh yes, I do.
Flaws like being forgetful, messy, and trustworthy (Remember that one? Yes, it is a double-edged sword).
I've been through phases, where I change, and the people around me change.
However, there has always been one thing that truly bugs me like no other.
And that is losing a friend (not physically, but that would be awful, too).
That feeling of losing touch with who they are, who they've become, who they will become.
It sucks.
It really does.
Now, it is no one's fault. Because everyone changes.
Sometimes for the worst, or what you think is the worst.
Other times, and usually, for the better, at least I like to think so.
Is this why it is so difficult to have a best friend?
Because I wouldn't know.
I've never NOT had a best friend.
If you are my best friend, you always will be.
I will always call you my best friend.
Even if I don't call you every day like I used to.
Even if it gets awkward sometimes.
Even if I want to scream at you for leaving me out of things I would've liked to be a part of.
Those things don't change the battery-draining late night phone-calls.
Or the moments that were so awkward, we nearly peed ourselves from laughing.
Or all the moments we shared together.
Do I miss you?
YES!
Do I want things to go back to how they were?
Yes.
Will they?
Doubt it.
And it sucks.
I would ask my mom who her best friend is.
She would tell me she never had one, not like I had.
It makes me sad to think that maybe when we grow up, we only have acquaintances, or people we hang out with, and not a best friend, a person you can call anytime, a person who will bail you out of a jam, a person who will be there next to you holding your bouquet when you get married, a person who wouldn't even think twice about anything pertaining to you.
I have friends like that.
I'm grateful for the friends I have like that.
So after all this, do I still have a best friend?
Most definitely, more than one.
If you asked them if I was their best friend...
Probably one one would adamantly say yes.
It hurts, but that one person is one of the greatest people I have ever met.
They are loving, caring, and extraordinary.
I love them.
I love all of them.
But it still doesn't change the loss.
That empty feeling.
Especially after these years we've shared.
I can't help but wonder if they feel like I left them behind.
But I'm too chicken to ask.
Fear of rejection?
Possibly.
But mostly just fear of it being true.

*Excuse the dramatic/emotional post, I've been wanting to write this for a long time.